This cake is dedicated to the ladies like me who would rather do just about anything than go on the odyssey-like errand that is jean shopping. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; I’d rather try on bikinis with Gisele Bunchebdandfjdk than try to find a pair of jeans that fit my hips, thighs, tummy, and ass and are designed for humans, not giraffes. There’s a very real moment in the dressing room in which I wonder if I should start taking fancy sweatpants seriously. Kanye can do it, why can’t I? Because I’m not the hyper-cerebral artist that he is, that’s why.
I’ve been a Gap girl ever since I got a 9-5 gig and could no longer afford the fancy jeans my bartending lifestyle once afforded me. But, I wanted to shop around, ya know sew my wild oats or whatever. I’d been a target of the new Madewell denim campaign, and I’m not too ashamed to say that their mailers, emails, and social media attempts worked. So, I wandered over, the experience itself was trying (but this is post is already too long, I’ll save it for another day) but I did find a pair of jeans that didn’t make me feel like a troll. They were however made for giraffes, not humans. The sales associate pinned them to where ( I thought) I wanted them, and a few short days later they were ready. And they were too short and they were not tapered. BUT, I still did not look nor feel like a troll. A quick trip to another tailor will get these pair of jeans one step closer to their first public appearance.
Despite my purchase, this wasn’t a revelation in shopping; I still questioned the functionality of embellished sweatpants. And in my misguided “why am I so fat” despair, I went home and baked that chocolate chocolate & raspberry cake. I ate the scraps that were left after the layers were levelled, spoonfuls of Swiss Meringue Buttercream, and to get my vitamins, one or two raspberries. Because eating cake is the best thing to do when your body image is at the same level of Miley Cyrus’s self-respect.